Reverend Jim's House of Pain & Redemption

Back for more.

2010-05-14T20:00:00.003+08:00

Three years; I have lost my way and I have sinned. But I'm back for more.

I suspect this site is therapeutic for me so, although I've given up trying to understand or define it, I'll simply keep coming back when I think I have something to say to myself. I'm taking pharmaceutical grade placebos so most of the other voices should be under control.

You're welcome to listen in, sometimes it gets kinda sexy.

Sorry to bother you, but it's the end of the world.

2007-07-07T21:51:00.000+08:00

Today is July 7, 2007.

777

Yup, kiss your ass good-bye. Satan doesn't lie.

2010 North American Union or just a 'security and prosperity partnership'?!

2007-06-26T00:19:00.000+08:00

Below are three reports by CNN's Lou Dobbs on the behind-the-scenes work being done to create a North American Union, reminiscent of the E.U., by 2010. I don't know how they're going to pull this off given the disparity of wages with Mexican labour, but, whatever this nascent union grows into should be interesting and worth watching more closely.

The American government maintains (www.spp.gov) that this is just a 'Security and Prosperity Partnership' designed to 'to increase security and to enhance prosperity among the three countries through greater cooperation'.

Here's an interesting timeline (at another site, which opposes the union) of related events covering much of the 20th century leading to the SPP/NAU. TIMELINE

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Sorry, I don't know how to embed the video.

1. CNN Lou Dobbs via youtube.com

2. Here's another Lou Dobbs report, via Google Video.

3. Yet another one, via youtube.com

There are several other related clips listed on both sites (youtube / google vieo) after you finish watching. It's disappointing that there isn't much else in the main stream media about this important event at the moment. A google search will get you started on your way, just remember to stay on the yellow brick road...

We're not in Kansas anymore.

Posted by Toto
(the mut, not the band)

Wacky?

2007-03-21T01:27:00.000+08:00

Personal jurisdiction?! Jesus, mary jane, and Joseph!

Click here.

Is this like the time I had that wicked dream I had become a lick-spewing, chick-adorned, 13 1/2 inch-avatared, guitar-gods-of-the-70's rock star only to discover (as I woke up in someone else's vomit, blood, and diarrhea) that I had given Satan general power of attorney?!

How sad and unfortunate for prosecution and defendant, respectively.

Let this be a valuable lesson learned for the poor fellow in question (if he survives the prison sodomy), stick to safer recreations like cigarettes and that lovely methanol-spirited national relic Soju. At least the government gets a cut.

Posted by Tommy Chong

Fever'd Buttocks

2006-11-05T22:02:00.000+08:00

I may have committed heresy.

Have a look here for some background.

Yes, I was one of those lazy, negligent, careless slobs that listed the Big Hominid's blog, Hairy Chasms, as 'The Big Hominid'. In my defense, in listing it as 'The Big Hominid' I was referring to the man rather than the machine. But to avoid diddling with excuses, I have come to a more appropriate solution. After pondering on this dilemma for quite some time I heard a ding (possibly from the toaster oven) as I was struck with a flash of inspiration.

Henceforth, Hairy Chasms shall be listed on this site as fever'd buttocks, which is a reference to one of my favorite and most inspiring poems that would put Homer, Basho, Shakespeare, and Tu Fu to shame.

Posted by Stan the Almighty

Thankfully, I avoided the other problem of listing 'The Big Hominid" under 'T' by dispensing with alphabetic ordering altogether. I don't like being labeled.

Boo!

2006-10-31T23:12:00.000+08:00

HaPpY HaLlOwEeN kIdS!!!

All my love.

Posted by Beelzebub, the Tempter.

p.s. Care for a high fat, sugar-ladened funnel cake? No?!?! Oh well then, I'll settle for your soul. Mmmmmwwwwaaahahahahahahaha.

I'll have your souls soon enough you petty superstitious idol-worshipping leeches!

Mmmmwwwwaaahahahahahaha hahahahahaha ahahahahaaaaaaaaaa.

It's all about the Rocket Sauce, man.

2006-10-31T11:24:00.000+08:00

As part of a promotion for his upcoming Tenacious D movie, Jack Black produced an anti-piracy bit. After watching it I gave up alcohol, cigarettes, piracy, and started going to Church every day. It's convincing.

It's all about the rocket sauce, man.

Click on the line below:

The power of Christ compels you.

Posted by Maharishi Mahesh Yogi

40

2006-10-28T14:02:00.000+08:00

Oh my god! My brother is 40 today. Where does the time go?!
Doesn't it just feel like time is accelerating out of control? Hahahahaa.

Happy birthday stud!

I love ya old man.

Posted by A much younger dude. Much...Younger.

Birth Pics

2006-10-24T21:07:00.000+08:00

With the arrival of my little bundle of joy last week (see previous post), yes I named him 'Baby Boy MacBook', I thought it appropriate to post some pictures of the first few critical moments as my boy emerged bright and shiny into the world.

Still in his momma's belly.

Emerging head first through the birth canal. Still unrecognizable as he is covered in birth goo. Look closely and you'll see the ambilical cord and remote control.

A proud daddy grinning from ear to ear with my beautiful new baby boy.

Posted by Father & Son

Hello Mac!

2006-10-24T20:06:00.000+08:00

Gasp! The unthinkable has happened.

I have crossed over into the world of the Mac user. I'd been considering buying a new laptop for several months. Last week my old notebook decided to help me in the decision making process. As the screen flickered and dimmed with gaining regularity I started thinking more seriously about what to do next.

Well, with the help of a friend of mine, and admitted long time Mac user, I came home Saturday night from Yongsan electronics market here in Seoul with a new MacBook, white. My friend reassured me, "...once you go Mac you don't go back." I gave a nervous laugh as I looked down at the briefcase-like box dangling from my hand. It isn't easy making a big purchase. Although many swear by the quality, design, and functionality of Macs, it is still an unknown quantity as far as I'm concerned, a lifetime PC addict.

The first couple of days were touch and go. It's a lovely beast, but I've had to relearn everything. It feels like the first time I ever touched a computer many years ago. Frustrating. But like an innocent baby looking up at you after knocking over a vase, unable to fathom your anger, you simply smile, explain his transgression, and move on, comforted by the disarming nature of innocence.

It is a lovely creature. And for Won 1,190,000 not bad (the store price was the same as the online price at the .co.kr site.

That's all for now. Nursing a cold and I need some rest. I think I caught a virus from my old notebook. The stress has been overwhelming.

Posted by Anonymous

The Buddha Strikes Back

2006-10-16T12:10:00.000+08:00

Click and beware.

Stories like this just get my goat...and roast his yarbles over an open fire. I don't recall ever being ripped off by a retailer to this degree but I have certainly heard many stories from friends and acquaintances.

And you don't have to go far to set off your spidey sense a tingling here either. Anytime you're at Yongsan electronics market be vigilant, do your research, and then be vigilant again. Otherwise it's death by a thousand cuts.

Lightsaber and a Scanners-like mind grip are my weapons of choice.

Posted by Stan the Almighty

Have you seen the Vista?

2006-10-16T11:00:00.000+08:00

With Windows Vista* on the horizon about to pounce on unsuspecting computers, we're all going to need a thorough introduction into what it can do, what it will cost to run it(money and minimum resources), and how it will make your life more pleasant by helping you learn to like yourself a little more.

Some development history couldn't hurt either.

Click here.

Posted by Bill Gats

Kill a turkey today?

2006-10-09T23:58:00.000+08:00

Happy Thanksgiving to all you crazy Canadians out there!

Aw, what the hell, same to all you sane ones too!

Canadian Thanksgiving isn't all that different from the American version. We, too, engage in turkecide and dance around bonfires while devouring the still bleeding flesh of our sacrifice. Our bloodlust just prevents us from waiting that extra month and a half so we celebrate on the second Monday of October.

Phew! Made it by 2 minutes. It's a shame, really, how often I forget birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and the like while I am here in South Korea. If it's any consolation, I haven't missed a single Kim Jong-Il birthday in the last 4 years.

February 16.

Back to Thanksgiving. Turkeys are not easily found here so we improvise. We prepare a scrumptious banquet full of traditional and contemporary Korean delicacies, invite a number of homeless and less fortunate, and eat the food in front of them.

Happy Thanksgiving Mr. Kim!

Posted by Jacques Vertefeuilles.

It's been a full day.

2006-10-09T23:00:00.000+08:00

North Korea apparently tested a nuclear device, underground, this morning.

The UN security council nominated South Korean Foreign Minister Ban Ki-Moon as the eighth (and next) secretary general. Kofi Annan's term ends December 31.

I pooped a lot and then I watched The National* streaming on the internet. There was a really interesting bit about whales.

(Archive photo of rockets taken April 3, 2006 from my bathroom.)

It's been a full day.

Nighty night.

*(Canadian TV news program produced by the government owned CBC, Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, and aired weekday late evenings)

Posted by Brian Mackenzie

Who is Chuck Norris?

2006-10-02T22:36:00.000+08:00

Some say that he was the product of a desperate attempt to create an American Bruce Lee. The result was half porn star and half non-threatening white Bruce Lee, and a whole lot of cheesy movies. But watch The Octagon when you're 10 years old and it might change your life; perhaps, if you're lucky, you will be set on a path such as the one that I took and you too may become stealthy assassin that lurks in the shadows, Ninja (the next best thing to Chuck Norris).

So who is Chuck Norris? Forget the crappy movies.

Top 100 Facts for Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

If you try to introduce your mother to Chuck Norris, she'll introduce you to your biological father.

Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris once survived a suicide bombing. He was the bomber.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.

Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Chuck Norris?" to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.

Chuck Norris has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains.

If at first you don't succeed, you are obviously not Chuck Norris.

Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.

If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Neither does Chuck Norris. He doesn't have to.

Water boils faster when Chuck Norris watches it.

Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.

Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... The only thing fear has to fear is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".

Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off.

Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.

Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.

Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Switzerland isn't really neutral. They just haven't figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.

Chuck Norris doesn't give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas, that is your Christmas present from Chuck.

Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".

Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.

When Chuck Norris laughs too hard while drinking milk, he accidentally shits a cow.

One time in an airport a guy accidentally called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Chuck Norris has never had an alcohol problem. However, alcohol has had a Chuck Norris problem.

Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?"

In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.

Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he needs.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

The phrase "Made by Chuck Norris" is imprinted beneath the surface of China.

Microsoft has released a new Anti-virus removal tool called Chuck Norris. The tool dares the virus to enter the machine.

Chuck Norris always gets blackjack. Even when he's playing poker.

When the Incredible Hulk gets angry he transforms into Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.

Chuck Norris only uses one chopstick.

Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.

Chuck Norris once had a near death experience. Needless to say, Death now refuses to come near him.

People say the truth hurts, but it hurts a hell of a lot more when it comes from Chuck Norris.

If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.

Chuck Norris can open beer cans with his teeth. He still prefers to use other people's teeth, though.

Chuck Norris uses all seven letters in Scrabble... Every turn.

Posted by

36 Up

2006-09-03T20:56:00.000+08:00

Someone once said, 'Time is like a predator that stalks us all our lives'. By the time you reach your mid-thirties, most folk are well aware of how deeply the fangs of this particular hound sink.

Today, circumstances beyond my control dictated that my woman's conjugal visit be limited to half an hour.

With Beethoven's 9th symphony unleashing it's choral finale throughout the ether around us, and whip in hand, I managed to keep the beast at bay enough for me and my lady to partake of some power monkey lovin', with time to spare for some gentle hair stroking and cuddling...for I am a civilized man, damn it!

36 and still going.

Posted by Stan the Almighty.

p.s. This might be a temporary post.

Day 1

2006-09-02T12:49:00.000+08:00

I survived the first night in my new apartment. Every time I move, it takes a couple of days to get acclimatized to my new surroundings, new home, new building, new facilities, and new habits. Actually my new place is quite comfortable and spacious, approaching 80 pyeong (albeit from quite a distance). I think it's bigger than the old place. K's modesty had me believing it would be only slightly larger than a go-she-wahn (a glorified walk-in closet).

The first night often reminds me of the classic Flintstones episode wherein Fred inherits a hill-top haunted mansion from a recently deceased kooky rich uncle. Fred must survive the night in order to seal the deal.

The first night was rather uneventful for me, except for the spectre in the mirror but that has been following me around for decades so I can't really blame my new apartment for that. I have noticed how incredibly quiet it is here at night. My last place had my large single-pained window facing a rather tumultuous street for regular animated exchanges with the passing motorcycles and yelling pedestrians. The silence here was quite deafening the first night, it actually hurt my hears as the void rushed into my eagerly awaiting ear canal.

The security guards explained the garbage/recycling situation to me, it was an unintentional tag team effort. Since there are 2 guards here (from what I've seen), some bits of information or advice tend to get repeated to me. But that's quite alright. I've noticed what one leaves out, the other fills in. Hmmmm, perhaps they have a psychic link; or perhaps they are in fact the same person cleverly disguised as 2 different people for my amusement.

I have just returned from starting my first laundry load. I expected the machines to be in the basement, so I sauntered downstairs with my big 'E-Mart' bag of laundry but decided to confirm the location with the #2 guard, let's call him Data. The #1 guard shall hence forth be called Riker. Data kindly informed me that the machines were on the 5th floor. After doing a quick look around for a non-existent elevator, I trudged back up, past my second floor pad, on to the 5th. A ironing room, nice. A laundry room, 2 large washing machines (with agitators, Allah be praised!) and 1 industrial dryer (you could dry a lot of lettuce in that giant crisper). To maximize my usage of the two washers, I put my load into the Korean machine and read the labels on the English machine for directions. As we speak, the Korean washer is frothing in a bilingual fury of cunning lingua. I suspect my clothes shall be limp, wet, and ready to rest on my rack in less than an hour, no timer so I will have to estimate.

After the laundry, I shall step out and explore the neighborhood and perhaps dazzle the peeps with my sparkling command of Korean. Then I plan to return home to rest and let my glowing red face recover from yet another embarrassing episode of "Let's Speak Korean".

Posted by Fred.

Going Down?!!!

2006-09-01T11:17:00.000+08:00

What would Steve Martin* be like if he were a gay muppet? Watch this short video; you're elevator riding experience will never be the same.

Posted by Yortuk Festrunk

*The great Steve Martin, actor/comedian, played a very memorable character in the 70's on Saturday Night Live in a little skit called Two Wild and Crazy Guys, about two Czech brothers. Enough said.

The Joy of Civilization

2006-08-26T22:49:00.000+08:00

My friend, K, has kindly and generously offered to intercede on my behalf to help solve my impending habitation problem, see previous post. I was slightly reluctant to mention this because I didn't want to wreck his humility, but ultimately there's nothing wrong with appreciating kindness. Yes, I am very greatful.

He took a risk by arranging a home for me, in the process tacitly vouching for my character and putting his own reputation on the line should I experience regressional episodes. My doctor has assured me that there shouldn't be any problems provided that I stick to my regimen of medication and hypnosis.

I was regretting the very real possibility of having to live in a go-she-wahn or hasuk, I did so several years ago and I have quite exercised that particular wilderness spirit out of my system. My other connections bottomed out, so K's arrival was a timely godsend; oh, by the way, thanks to you too Boss...about bloody time (I've been dropping extra 10 won coins in the basket for months).

The next two months resting, roaming, and generally living off the fat of last year is greatly anticipated. Not to fear, I don't plan to blow my wad on irresponsible boozing and whoring. That was money well earned.

I am a relatively modest person and usually live accordingly. I plan on taking photos of the city, teaching myself how to read again, perhaps finally start writing, and sitting in cafes alone, observing people, or sipping tea with friends and generally feeling civilized. What better place to seek peace and quiet and calm retreat than a gently pastured hamlet of 10 to 20 million people (depending on the time of day) like Seoul.

So for the next little while there shall be no speaking of split shifts, 5am wake ups, and students that don't study but insist on throwing money at the company for the privilege of sitting in front of a native English speaker for a mystical experience.

Posted by Bruce the Not-So-Fucked.

Go-she-wahn blues...

2006-08-21T22:49:00.000+08:00

This is a first for me, I think.

Personal aches and pains don't usually make it to the headlines unaltered to the point of being unrecognizably surreal, but, being bored, tired, and slightly discouraged at the Grim Reaper's middle finger, I have decided to vent; well, at least a meaningful hiss if not outright vesuvian fit.

Hmmm...Where to begin...Where to begin. Oh very well then, let's begin at a near facsimile of the beginning.

Not three months ago, sensing the last few hiccups of my illustrious career as English teacher extraordinare at American Englishy Station (located in South Korea), fondly known as The Big AES...pseudonym for the occasionally benign hypertrophy prancing as the insidiously polished veneer of an over-priced EFL institution whose divinely inspired program was actually a cheap rip-off of yet another EFL institution by none other than my current top boss himself (who used to work at the other place earlier in his career), churning up my gullet, I decided to be proactive.

Mindful of the coming ride into the sunset, as it were, and the month and a half notice required by the company for anyone wishing to renew a contract, ask for unpaid vacation, and what have you (forty-five days seems to be some kind of magic number over at The Station), an idea hatched in my naughty little noggin, one that I presented in all it's glory to my manager; who, incidentally, is a lovely person and possibly the only ray of sunshine in the 'managment' of this abomination station. I weighed all my forthcoming plans, time frames, and whims, and came to the conclusion that a one month extension might be appropriate. The manager welcomed the suggestion (I am a bit of a legend, so the opportunity to secure rights to another month of yours truly would not could not should not be passed up). After confirming with all the relevant and irrelevant higher-ups, the suggestion was approved. I was looking forward to another month, such as it was, at the big AES. So where does that take us now? Well, to the end of September, Horacio!

A little over a week ago, the manger comes back to me to relay the unfortunate message that I may only extend if I work at another branch of the company (this was not her idea, and knowing full well of my desire to work only at this branch she relayed this on to deaf ears). I'm sure this sounds innocent and harmless enough to some, but, having settled and become attached somewhat, and well aware of similar episodes, fiascos, and fubar experienced by others in similar nomadic scenarios, I decided to take a stand. Thanks, but no thanks said I. The manager was not surprised, non-plus, and quite understanding. To make a long story a little less long, the end of September has now become the end of August.

What to do?! I have decided to stay another one or two months, just as a harmless tourist, administrative and legal details notwithstanding. One of the really sad parts is that I have to vacate my apartment by late next week. My modest little 7-8 pyeong hovel is deliteful in all the amusing little ways that tickle my fancy. And, after having wandered about north of the river with a couple Korean co-workers for help in hunting 'snipe'(thank you so much for the effort Chico and Gin), I have come to the discouraging conclusion that, given my time frame, a go-she-wahn or hasook might be my only feasible options. For the more inexperienced, these two options are relatively cheap but tiny (an entire room smaller than a queen size bed) and involve sharing toilets, showers, paper thin walls, fungus, odors, stains, annoying and often unidentifiable noises that wake you up at 3 am, etc. etc. They are a sort of relatively cheap dorm of sorts. Yes, I have lived in them before, and no, I don't want to live in them again. Necessity can be a deaf bitch sometimes though. So today, I found a brand spanking new one, even seemingly clean after a few quick suspicious glances thrown about. I put $50 deposit down to hold the room since I am not ready to move in until the weekend, and technically they haven't put the finishing touches on all the construction, yes it's very new.

There may be one potential saviour. My good buddy lives in a one-room in a building managed by an odd little ajuma (middle-aged woman) who lets him stay in an 8 pyeong bachelor pad for decent rent and last month's rent as deposit and no year-long commitment. With any luck she'll have a spare to offer me. My spidey sense isn't tingling any more than usual so I don't really expect anything but hope is a powerful antidote to reality. More on this as it develops.

That's about it. Not really sure what the point was, and I'm not really sure what I have written and I'm too tired for a spell or semantic check. I just wanted to get it out before I deflated for sleep in my sweet queen size BED. Perhaps if I am still tense after washing up and reading another instalment of Charlotte's Web, I will gaze lovingly through my massive windows at the warm and picturesque landscape just beyond, blanketed under the soft cover of the gently star speckled night as I am soothed to sleep by the quiet woosh of the sillowetted cars glowing past.

Posted by Bruce the Fucked.

p.s. Pyeong is a unit measuring area. Oddly enough, it seems to vary somewhat depending on which landlord you talk to. Officially, 1 pyeong = 3.3 square metres. Expect it to be much smaller when you actually see the room.

Weather Update 1

2006-08-04T14:36:00.000+08:00

Not one to put too much faith in chaotic weather 'forecasts', I stepped out into the streets of Seoul today, near the centre of the city, and took some meteorological readings, just doing my civic duty.

Here it is folks, in Metric of course.

The weather today is....

Hot.
Humid.
Sunny.

90% chance of the same tomorrow. Dress accordingly.

And here's a photograph taken with my new Canon PowerShot S3 IS

Posted by Pete's Meteorological Service.

World Cup 2006

2006-07-11T21:13:00.000+08:00

Congratulations to Italy on the recent World Cup win!

Sadly, Expatriate Hal was disappointed at the performance of the Korean National Team. Having spent 4 odd years roaming around south Korea meeting locals and experiencing life first hand (ahem!) in the land of the not-so-morning calm, Hal has developed an emotional attachment to his adopted country (one of many - more on this later) that can best be described as a disfuntional relationship.

And so from the mouth of Hal himself, 'Thanks for 2002, too bad about 2006, here's to the future!'

(Expatriate Hal rooting for 2010)

Posted by Stan the Almighty

Pottermania Works It's Magic

2006-07-08T15:30:00.000+08:00

Got this picture from a friend of mine. Unfortunately, he can't remember where or when he got it, but it's a classic. The magic of merchandising just warms me to the cockles of my heart.

I wonder if it came with extra batteries.

Posted by Stan the Almighty

Countdown: The Order of the Pheonix

2006-06-27T14:15:00.000+08:00

Scroll down to the bottom of the page, my lovely muggles, to see the countdown ticker to the coming blockbuster Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix movie next summer, July 13.

Posted by Stan the Almighty

JUNE 28

2006-06-20T11:49:00.000+08:00

T h e R e s u r r e c t i o n

Posted by Jimmy Olsen

Short and (bitter)Sweet

2006-06-08T23:26:00.000+08:00

http://www.breitbart.com/news/2006/06/08/D8I422UG0.html

Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi Killed in Air Raid
Jun 08 9:08 AM US/Eastern

By PATRICK QUINN
Associated Press Writer

BAGHDAD, Iraq

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the most-wanted terrorist in Iraq with a $25 million bounty on his head, was killed when U.S. warplanes dropped 500-pound bombs on his isolated safehouse northeast of Baghdad, coalition officials said Thursday. His death was a long-sought victory in the war in Iraq.
...
_________________________________________________________

A co-worker of mine gave a rather succinct and dispassionate retort upon seeing a similar report on CNN on the delightfully large flat widescreen TV in our office reception.

'Shame...waste of $25 million.'

Damn shame.

I guess I can relax my constant state of heightened vigilance a bit and change the coloured Post-it note on my fridge to orange.

It's just as well. I never really believed the rumours that Al-Z was seen late at night coming out of 'Starbutts' in Itaewon anyway.

Posted by Stan the Almighty

Happy Danniversary

2006-06-06T18:57:00.000+08:00

Today is the 62nd anniversary of the Allied invasion of Normandy, also known as D-day, marking a major turning point in the progress of the second world war for the Allies.

Happy D-anniversary!

Anyway, here's a recently declassified photo of the Council of Trent (at Trent, New Jersey) showing the planning for D-day only days before implementation.

Strange how these kinds of anniversaries invariably make me think of Dr. Strangelove, the movie.

No, there's no hidden jab there. Perhaps I tend to lump together most WWII era black and white documentaries and dramas. I was watching "It's a Wonderful Life", the 1946 Frank Capra classic starring the late great Jimmy Stewart (If your thinking of NYPD Blue, that's Jimmy Smits) the other day and I also started thinking about Dr. Strangelove. I guess there was enough of a connection to trigger my spidey sense.

Here's another photo taken from the Council of Trent, of President Roosevelt on the phone with General Eisenhower(not shown).

Sadly, although Mr. Roosevelt was instrumental in the planning process he did not survive to see the end of WW II. In an ironic twist of fate, 1945 marked the end of WW II as well as the presidency of Roosevelt as he passed away in April of that year, with Harry S. Truman taking the reigns as the next American president.

Here's a photo of fireworks during a celebration in Japan marking the end of WW II in September.

Posted by Stan the Almighty

Eye Mote and Hat Head

2006-05-19T20:11:00.000+08:00

Here's a recent picture of me. Sorry about the grumpy look but I just woke up and my life partner, Mimi, snapped this shot without warning.

My friends have been bugging me to post something...sorry it's the best I could do; I hate having my picture taken.

Posted by Yvette deCinqfrancamour

Comments return

2006-05-18T12:44:00.000+08:00

After a short experiment and temporary fix to the problem of spam comments, I am happy to announce the return of the Comments section with some filtering that will hopefully keep out the garbage.

I welcome comments from all contributors wishing to encourage healthy discussion; leave amusing anecdotes and interesting factoids/news bits/links. But keep spam and unsolicited advertising and shameless self-promotion off the site. Otherwise, I shall have to make liberal* use of my divine delete button which obliviates** unwanted comments along with their contributors.

Posted by Stan the Almighty

*no political pun or affiliation intended or suggested.

**obliviate
v. tr.
1. to send into the oblivion
2. to delete from existence
3. to send or ship large packages via regular overseas mail

Flight 77 Video

2006-05-17T11:14:00.000+08:00

After more than four and a half years, the video of the alleged crash of American Airlines Flight 77 into the Pentagon on September 11, 2001 has finally been officially released, leaks notwithstanding, in response to a Freedom of Information Act request made by Judicial Watch, a public interest group.

Eyewitness accounts, previously leaked images, and the delay of the official release of the video have contributed to some degree of controversy regarding the veracity of the Flight 77 crash. Although the damage to the Pentagon was obvious, some sources claimed evidence and eyewitness accounts suggested the destruction may have been caused by the crash of a smaller plane or even a missile, and a cover-up. The discussion continues.

The video is posted via Youtube on Judicial Watch. See here.

Posted by Stan the Almighty

The Qwest for the truth

2006-05-12T12:38:00.000+08:00

Remember that whole Bush administration wire tapping incident? Here's some bathroom reading...published in the Brit paper Guardian Unlimited today. I found it darkly hilarious.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
US phone firms gave spy agency records of billions of calls

· Bush denies wiretaps of citizens were illegal
· Eavesdropping may derail appointment of CIA chief

Suzanne Goldenberg in Washington
Friday May 12, 2006
The Guardian

George Bush tried desperately yesterday to defuse the news that the three biggest telephone firms in the US provided the National Security Agency with the records of billions of calls made by Americans.

The revelation that the warrantless wiretapping authorised by President Bush was far more sweeping than the administration has admitted could derail the confirmation of Michael Hayden, a former director of the agency, as new CIA chief.

Covered in a report by the paper USA Today, the story also reopens questions about whether Mr Bush acted illegally in authorising taps on Americans without court oversight. USA Today reported that since the September 2001 terror attacks, AT&T Corp, Verizon Communications Inc, and BellSouth Corp had been providing the agency with detailed records of the calls made by their 200 million customers, both international and domestic.

The companies' cooperation with the spy agency has created the largest calls database in the world, allowing the agency to track the number of calls made and their frequency and duration, and search for other patterns in communication. The newspaper believed no agents listened to the content of the calls.

Only one company, Qwest Corporation, which operates in 14 western states, refused to help the agency. It said it had concerns about the legality of the taps.

The disclosure of such a vast exercise would appear to refute repeated claims by Mr Bush, and both the attorney general, Alberto Gonzales, and General Hayden, that the programme to eavesdrop on Americans' phone calls and emails without oversight by the courts was narrowly targeted at al-Qaida networks, and was limited in scope.

Yesterday Mr Bush moved swiftly to try to reverse that impression, appearing on television to assert that the wiretapping was legal and did not intrude on the privacy of ordinary Americans. "We are not mining or trawling through the personal lives of millions of innocent Americans. Our efforts are focused on al-Qaida and their known affiliates," he said. But he did not deny USA Today's report.

However on Capitol Hill the article was met with outrage from Republican and Democratic members of Congress. "The idea of collecting millions or thousands of phone numbers - how does that fit into following the enemy?" Lindsey Graham, a Republican senator from South Carolina, told Fox television.

Yesterday the White House abruptly cancelled two meetings between Gen Hayden and senators scheduled in preparation for his confirmation hearings.

Gen Hayden had already been facing opposition from some senators to his nomination as head of the CIA, because a military man would then be in charge of the premier civilian spy agency, and because he was the architect of the warrantless taps as a former director of the National Security Agency.

Following yesterday's revelations, he faces even greater scrutiny, with the Republican chairman of the Senate judiciary committee, Arlen Specter, saying he would call executives from the phone companies to testify on the legality of the agency taps.

Patrick Leahy, a Democrat on the committee, said: "Shame on us for being so willing to rubber-stamp everything the [US] administration does."

Yesterday's story boosted those who say Mr Bush's administration failed to be forthcoming about the surveillance programme. A justice department ethics inquiry into the government lawyers who approved the eavesdropping was shut down after the investigators were denied security clearance, the New York Times reported yesterday.

Backstory

Most Americans had probably not even heard of the super-secretive National Security Agency until December last year when the New York Times reported, in a Pulitzer-prize winning story, that President Bush had authorised the agency to eavesdrop - without a warrant or court oversight - on the international telephone calls and emails of Americans. But the story of the NSA wiretaps has since become a symbol of the Bush administration's expansion of presidential powers during its war on terror. The White House claims that the US constitution gives the president the power to allow the NSA to circumvent legal oversight. Others, including Republican senators, argue that the warrantless wiretaps were illegal.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by Stan the Almighty

Iran next?

2006-04-09T21:21:00.000+08:00

C'est de la merde fantasmagorique. Pardon my French.

Some of us have been speculating for quite some time that Iran might be next on the current American administration's hit list; rightly or wrongly, it's some spooky stuff.

Here's an article from the April 8/9 New York Times. It's likely to become a for-pay article soon so I have included it below with permission, mostly mine.

______________________________________________________________
U.S. Stepping Up Plans to Attack Iran, New Yorker Article Says
By ERIC SCHMITT
Published: April 9, 2006

WASHINGTON, April 8 — The Bush administration, which publicly advocates negotiations to halt Iran's nuclear program, is accelerating military planning for possible attacks against Iran, and has not ruled out using tactical nuclear weapons, according to a new article.

The article, by Seymour M. Hersh in The New Yorker, asserts that the Pentagon this winter presented the White House with an option to use bunker-buster nuclear bombs against Iran's underground nuclear sites. When the Joint Chiefs of Staff later sought to drop that option, unidentified officials at the White House resisted, the article stated.

The article cites numerous anonymous sources, including former Pentagon and intelligence officials, as well as sources described as having ties to the Pentagon but no direct involvement in its decision-making.

Asked about the article, Frederick Jones, a National Security Council spokesman, said Saturday: "We're not going to discuss military planning. As the president has said repeatedly, we along with the international community are pursuing a diplomatic solution to the issues surrounding Iran's nuclear program."

But four Pentagon, military and administration officials who participate in high-level deliberations on Iran and who were granted anonymity to speak candidly rejected the article's contention that the Bush administration was considering nuclear weapons in a possible strike against Iran.

"I've never heard the issue of nukes taken off or put on the table," a senior Pentagon official said.

The article also states that American combat troops have been ordered to infiltrate Iran to collect target data and to cultivate relationships with indigenous groups who oppose the government in Tehran.

"The article contains information that is inaccurate," said Michele Ness, a spokeswoman for the Central Intelligence Agency. She declined to elaborate.

The article asserts that American carrier-based attack planes have been flying simulated nuclear-bomb runs within range of Iranian coastal radars. A Pentagon official said he was unaware of any such flights, but added that within the last three weeks Iran had ratcheted up its air defenses so high that it accidentally shot one of its own aircraft.

Senior administration officials, while emphasizing that their preferred path is diplomatic, have not ruled out military attacks if negotiations should fail. Senior officers and Pentagon officials said war planners, in particular Air Force targeting teams, have updated contingencies for dealing with Iran's nuclear ambitions, as they periodically do. But they emphasized that this did not reflect any guidance from the civilian leadership to prepare for military confrontation.

"There have been no operational plans or options presented to the White House," said the senior Pentagon official.

Top commanders say the military options range from bad to unimaginable. None guarantee success, planners say, given that dozens of suspected sites are buried deep underground or near urban centers. Many risk causing not only casualties but a political crisis in the Middle East.

Mr. Hersh is a well-known journalist credited with uncovering major stories including the My Lai massacre in Vietnam in 1969 and details of prisoner abuse at Abu Ghraib in Iraq. Some military and political officials have contested details of some of his articles, and some critics say he is too eager to report assertions critical of the government that are difficult to fully substantiate.

Scott Shane contributed reporting for this article.

Posted by Richard Cheney.

Voilà

2006-04-04T19:21:00.000+08:00

Problem solved, for now.

Check out the space under the title of this blog (look up...look waaaayy up). Read it carefully to send your comments to me or anyone else here; and I use the term 'here' metaphorically as I am often reminded that I am, in fact, not all there.

If you're lucky...if you're really lucky, you might just get your comment(s) published in some mangled form.

Posted by Stan the Almighty

Comments

2006-04-02T21:49:00.000+08:00

My apologies to my many reader(s), my various incarnations and contributors for having removed the comments section of this blog. Although many of my contributors and at least one reader have expressed their regrets over my recent unilateral action, I felt it was necessary as an immediate 'Band-Aid' solution to the sudden but persistent flood of uninvited and unwelcome advertisement, solicitation, and invitations.

I am working on a more permanent fix, until then I encourage all wishing to contribute more productive comments to forward them to me via telepathic transit.

Thank you all for your understanding and patience.

Posted by Stan the Almighty

10

2006-03-15T17:49:00.000+08:00

Five and a half months...

Posted by Dick Clark

Les Poitricules?!...pas encore, mon ami!

2006-03-12T09:52:00.000+08:00

Oh, bravo my good man!

Click here.

Finally a site that is worthy of my click; intellectually stimulating and visually intriguing, some real substance you can sink your teeth into. Here is a subject so compelling and inspiring that many shall gather to ejaculate philosophical conjecture and retort, linguists both amateur and cunning.

How unfortunate about the lack of contribution and update; I am yet holding out hope. So let's hold back on the chesticles...for now.

Posted by Carl the Poet

Poet's Coroner # 1

2006-02-28T21:23:00.000+08:00

Oh, but to dream again
of milky sheep and misty mornings
in glades of heather,
whose kindness curdles,
this way.

Posted by the Coroner

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

2006-01-01T00:54:00.000+08:00

Have a happy new year my children! Let's try to make it a whole lot better for everyone. Along those lines, one of my New Year's resolutions is to be even sexier than last year.

This is going to be a tough one.

Hug and kiss to all...muwah, muwah.

Posted by El Poderosa

Happy Festivus!!!

2005-12-25T18:03:00.000+08:00

Have a very sexy holiday my yummy interdenominational disciples.

Santa has been naughty this year.

Posted by Kris Kringle

p.s. A special wink to all you sexy nymph-elves.

Expressions

2005-11-25T21:24:00.000+08:00

Ever been caught at a loss for words?! Can't think of that perfect metaphor?! Tired of saying it tastes like chicken?! Never again, my friend!

"...smooth like my freshly shaved balls..."

Feel free.

Posted by Carl the Poet

Thanks

2005-11-24T15:53:00.000+08:00

A very happy Thanksgiving (American style) to all those Yanks south of the border and everywhere else in the world. Peace brother.

Posted by The Laughing Canuck

Ramon Fidel van Bork al-Csznzsckz

2005-10-28T20:59:00.000+08:00

Happy 39th Birthday Dude!!!

Goodness gracious, I can't believe you're on the threshold of the big 4-0. It's tough aging through the psychological milestones but, looking on the bright side, at least you're one year closer to senility and a second chance at childhood!

Love,
Your favorite brother.

Posted by Steve Smith

Post-Mortem

2005-09-17T08:45:00.000+08:00

Sadly, no pulse was found and my body could not be revived. Fortunately, this minor inconvenience was not expected to interfere with any activities planned on this site. I had, therefore, proceded in sending my corpse to Korea for continued blogging.

A spectre haunts the land of the morning calm!

Posted by The Narrator

End of the World

2005-08-06T16:10:00.000+08:00

Back from Jeju all bronzed and relaxed. Nice place. Definitely a good break from Seoul. In short, Jeju was half amusement park, half wilderness retreat, and half respite from teaching (unless you're teaching on Jeju).

Cool things: Hallasan, mountain mist, mountain crows, dragonflies, volcanic rock, halmoni, harubong, open space (less people and traffic), the ocean, palm trees, nature in general, peace.

Worrisome/annoyances: Steadily becoming disneified. Busy season prices and people.

Things to remember: You need a car; or a bike and some strong legs and lungs.

Ok, now that I have given you some renewed hope and a reason to live, I bring you...the end of the world...hahahahahahaha.

Turn down the lights
Turn up the volume
and kiss your ass good-bye.

Shhhh...click HERE.

Posted by Hal
I'm going out for a beer.

Quickie

2005-07-28T11:02:00.000+08:00

I've been busy, lately, packing my stuff and taking care of various administrative duties before I move out of my fortress of solitude this Saturday.

I shall be visiting Jeju during the first week of August, then I will visit my family and friends in Canada until the end of August.

My internet connection is about to be cancelled (at my request); so I might not be back up here (blogosphere...did I use the term correctly?) until September. 'Til then my lovely children, play nicely!

Posted by Hal

p.s.

Here's one final note. I recently received an official notice from the Seoul immigration office of the quickly approaching August 3rd expiration of my E-2 visa. Hence my 'period of stay will be expired'. Accompanied by a vaguely threatening comment about branding my testicles with a hot iron if I overstay without permission, the postal stamp was dated July 20.

How is that significant you ask? Well, not to split hairs, but I renewed my E-2 visa on July 12 for another year (ack!) with multiple-entry stamp. Oh dear. Let's see what happens, shall we?! Ta Ta.

Think Before You Buy

2005-07-27T17:34:00.000+08:00

Thanks to Robert for suggesting the following considerations when renting/buying a room in Korea.

1. With the realtor, check the debts of the building owner. Higher debt increases the risk of not getting your deposit back when you move out.

2. With the realtor, check the registered plans for the rooms and the building. Sometimes rooms are subdivided during construction to increase the number of rentable rooms beyond what is registered. The extra, non-registered, rooms are illegal and hence your deposit on them may not be insured. Therefore, renting such rooms might result in the renter (that's you) ultimately kissing his deposit good-bye.

Perhaps you thought of taking your building owner to court for your deposit; that could take a really long time and is a big hassle!

Cheers.

TWO BETTER THAN ONE?

2005-07-01T22:42:00.000+08:00

...SOMETIMES

Here's an interesting article from today's edition of the International Herald Tribune (Asia-Pacific edition) about Korean reunification. It's certainly nothing new. The thought has been lingering in my mind for well over a year, and many others have discussed this idea before (print/blog/etc.)

In case the article becomes a for-pay excursion, it appears in its entirety below, with permission from me.

__________

Letter from Asia: For many, two Koreas may be better than one
Norimitsu Onishi

FRIDAY, JULY 1, 2005

SEOUL When South Korea's Ministry of Unification officials visited North Korea two weeks ago to celebrate the fifth anniversary of the historic summit meeting between the two countries' leaders, the talk centered, not surprisingly, on Pyongyang's nuclear program. As an indication of the ups and downs in relations between the two Koreas, there was little mention of the idea that had gripped the imagination of both sides of the demilitarized zone five years ago: reunification.

Back then, the South's Kim Dae Jung and the North's Kim Jung Il signed an accord that spoke of the "yearning for peaceful reunification of the fatherland." The meeting even earned the South's Kim the Nobel Peace Prize.

Breakthroughs have followed, ranging from high-level military talks to the joint manufacture of goods at a new industrial park just north of the demilitarized zone. That zone, the lasting symbol of Cold War division and still the most fortified place on earth, is a little less threatening, now that it has new roads up and down that government officials, businessmen and tourists from the South travel almost daily.

Hopes for the Korean Peninsula's reunification, however, appear to be receding. On and off the peninsula, everyone supports reunification - officially, at least. But five years after the North-South summit meeting, against the backdrop of a shifting balance of power in the region, strong arguments are heard that continued division, or at least delayed union, might serve, well, everyone's interests.

In South Korea, talk of reunification usually focuses on how it must be accomplished without causing economic or social harm on the richer, southern half of the peninsula. In other words, South Koreans are not prepared to suffer a lowering of their hard-won living standards. The government's policy, therefore, is to engage in economic projects with their northern brethren so as to reduce the gap between the two Koreas.

"At the time, we were very emotional, but within the last five years, we have cooled down," said Song Young Gil, a lawmaker from the governing Uri Party. "We now realize the realities of the two countries."

"The economic gap between the two Koreas is greater than it was between West and East Germany," he added. "So the more desirable situation is to engage in economic cooperation and to maintain the divided situation. We should help lift North Korea's economic level to at least 60 percent of South Korea's before we start to think of reunification. That will take more than 20 years."

Andrei Lankov, a Russian-born historian at Kookmin University in Seoul, says the South has, effectively, abandoned the idea of reunification. Its engagement policy's real aim, he says, is to prop up Pyongyang economically and prevent a collapse that would bring refugees flooding south.

"I call the Unification Ministry the 'anti-Unification Ministry,"' he said, "because it is the main government agency responsible for engaging North Korea. A collapse of the regime would be the quickest way to unification."

Since the peninsula was divided half a century ago, the idea of reunification has changed along with the balance of power and economics on the peninsula. Through the 1970s, as the North seemed ahead of the South economically, Pyongyang strongly favored reunification, calculating that it would come out ahead in a unified country.

"After 1979, the balance tipped in South Korea's favor," said Lee Geun, a professor of international relations at Seoul National University. As the South's lead over the North kept widening, the South's support of reunification rose, reaching its peak after the Germans unified in 1990.

Today, the North, despite flowery words about reunification expressed regularly by its official news agency, no doubt knows that East Germans did not fare so well in the new Germany.

Those with the most to lose in a new Korea would probably be the North's military elite.

"If we unify, we will have to reduce our combined military and absorb the North Korean military," said a senior official in the South Korean Army. "It will be very, very difficult compared to other areas of society. It will be the last area to be resolved."

South Korea, especially under President Roh Moo Hyun, has been distancing itself from Washington. The popular attitude toward the United States is perhaps best reflected in the daily presence of hundreds of South Korean police officers in riot gear who guard the U.S. Embassy in Seoul.

In a speech a few months ago, Roh stressed the importance of making South Korea's military fully independent "within 10 years." About the Pentagon's plans to transform U.S. troops here into a regional force, instead of one focused on the peninsula, Roh said, "It should be clarified that we will not be embroiled in any conflict in Northeast Asia against our will."

Roh said later that South Korea would begin to play a "balancing role" in Northeast Asia. He added that "the power equation in Northeast Asia will change depending on the choices we make," suggesting that support for its traditional allies, the United States and Japan, would not be automatic.

Reunification of a newly assertive South and a fiercely anti-American North would raise fears in Washington that its influence would decline further, especially at a time when it wants to project as much power as possible against China.

The fears would be even higher in Tokyo, which has always been keenly aware that the most combustible common element of nationalism in both South and North is lingering anger over Japanese colonialism and militarism. The rawness of the South's anger surprised Japan in recent months.

"Under these circumstances, it will be very difficult to get Japan, and to a lesser extent the United States, to give us the help we would need if we were to seek reunification," said a former senior South Korean Foreign Ministry official.

The other country whose backing would be critical is, of course, China. To Beijing, Pyongyang is a Communist ally, and the influence the Chinese are said to hold over it increases their stature and bargaining power with Washington, as in the stalled multiparty nuclear talks.

What's more, China might fear that a unified peninsula would actually lean toward Washington and that U.S. troops could move up to its border, taking away the North Korean buffer. For the Chinese and everyone else perhaps, division might be preferable to the uncertainties of reunification, which they support, officially, at least.

__________

Posted by The Cracked Potter

HAPPY 138th

2005-07-01T21:27:00.000+08:00

HAPPY CANADA DAY!!!

Yay!

Posted by The Happy Canuck

Another Reason To Hate The French?

2005-05-26T21:35:00.000+08:00

Bored, nothing to do, nothing to watch on TV, Internet is down so no porn?! Ever imagine who would win if two famous characters of your choosing slugged it out? Now you don't need to. Let googlefight do it for you. Careful. It's addictive.

Here are the results for 19 epic battles and my comments. The entries for winners/losers appear without capitalization exactly as I entered them on the googlefight site. Most of the wins were landslides. (All results tabulated today)

Winners/Losers//Comments

france/jesus//Another reason to hate the French?!

naked/clothed//Was there ever any doubt!

pamela anderson/anna nicole smith//Throw some oil on them both and no one will care or remember.

god/satan//Never doubted it. My crossed fingers are, in fact, a birth defect.

south korea/north korea//OK. Good enough. I will renew my E2 visa.

shit/fart//Sometimes, it just doesn't matter.

40 something/barely legal//To each's own.

broken glass/ky jelly//There are some f#cking perverts out there!

canada/rest of the world//F#cking right!!!

coke/pepsi//The real thing!

no/yes//What was the question?

mucus plug/chabichou du poitou (french goat milk cheese)//It's an acquired taste.

ninja/samurai//Throwing stars.

batman/catwoman//But…bbut, what about the whip?!

look at panties/don't look at panties//Problem solved Big Hominid. Use the force if you like, the same results it will yield.

the force/quantum mechanics//I always suspected.

sex/tantric sex//"Mind-blowing multiple 8-hour sustained trans-uber cosmic orgasm" might change your mind.

tantric sex with nice woman/subway ajuma//158,000 to 92….92!?!...What is wrong with you people!?...Why is this a non-zero value?!*

waste of time/googlefight//Sh#t! I should have read this first.

*As of 7:24pm Korea Time

Posted by The Almighty Ribbit

Behold! The Almighty Ribbit

2005-05-23T19:54:00.000+08:00

Excellent...,my plan for world domination has just taken a giant leap forward with the use of this most excellent technology.

Special thanks to the B.H. for his delightfully easy-to-follow instructions on how to use photobucket.com to host pictures for this blog. I understand photobucket can be used for other blogs as well.

I thought it would be appropriate for my first picture to be none other than me...or at least my evil shadow. The darkness on the right is my penis. Yes, that's right, I am not human. Now you know!

Hhahaaaahahahaaaaaaahaaaaahahahhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
(maniacal laugh)

Posted by The Almighty Ribbit

p.s. Your days are numbered, puny humans!

Episode III...is here...early!!!

2005-05-16T19:52:00.000+08:00

Crank-up the volume and dim the lights. This is not the trailer. It's the full production.

Over here...watch it before they remove the link. It kicks ass!

Watch it and your journey to the Dark side will be complete. Go team!

Posted by Darth Vacuous

Farfurtneugen

2005-05-13T21:44:00.000+08:00

The obsessive-compulsive word of the moment is Farfurtneugen.

farfurtneugen

farfurtneugen

farfurtneugen

farfurtneugen

farfurtneugen

farfurtneugen

farfurtneugen

farfurtneugen

farfurtneugen

farfurtneugen

farfurtneugen

farfurtneugen

farfurtneugen

farfurtneugen

farfurtneugen

farfurtneugen

farfurtneugen

I would like to apologize for wasting your time, dear reader, with this nonsensical repetition of a contextually irrelevant and perhaps insignificant word, however, if I had not done so then 17 homeless children would have suffered painful and disturbing deaths. Thankfully I have saved their lives.

Farfurtneugen. Just to be sure.

Posted by Farfurtneugen

Blowing Smoke

2005-04-20T18:01:00.000+08:00

The Jim4Pope foundation would like to congratulate Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger for his election as the 265th pope, Pope Benedict XVI.

Undiscouraged, Cardinal Jim has expressed an interest in running for pope in 2012.

Posted by The Jim4Pope Foundation

Conclave Waiting for White Smoke

2005-04-19T18:31:00.000+08:00

Barely two days into conclave, and already a holy knuckle ball has been thrown into the dirt raking deep furrows in the brows of the cardinals assembled in Rome. This isn't the first time that the oddsmakers in Las Romas have had hissy fits and been left red faced over their prognostications.

What was nearly brushed under the papal headlines as yet another Easter survival story has emerged as a runaway train, destination: Rome, with the future of the Catholic Church in the balance.

Nearly three weeks ago on March 27, Easter Sunday and only days before the death of John Paul II, unbeknownst to the free world, something crawled out of the dust of the Changsha-Zhuzhou-Xiangtan urban sustainability planning triad*, about to "spring forth from the rich red earth of our people's bosom" or "Lazarus leap" depending on the headline.

None other than the formerly late Reverend Jim of the principality by the same name, appeared alive and well. The Reverend has undergone somewhat of a transformation, spiritually and physically, for out of the Chinese dust not quite phoenix-like waddled only lips and anus, fused together in a thinking, speaking, and fully opposable, remnant-of-a-man. The now 3 inch tall Jim has apparently come to terms with his past and accepted his divine punishment with a stiff upper lip.

After being discovered and nursed back to a healthy set of lips and sphincter, Jim mysteriously went into seclusion and had not been heard from again until early this week.

On Monday the College of Cardinals attended a Mass presided by German Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, seen as a favorite to become the next pope, in St. Peter's Basilica in the Vatican. In a forceful defense of Catholic doctrine, Cardinal Ratzinger condemned "the dictatorship of relativism" saying that it "recognizes nothing definitive and it's final measure is no more than ego and desire." The Cardinal called for a solemn prayer for guidance in electing a successor to the recently departed pontiff; appearing tired and tense he cocked his head in a dramatic pose skyward and was reported to have been overheard whispering 'pick me! pick me! pick me!'

During Ratzinger's prayer, only moments after the homily, Jim burst in and scuttled to the altar to announce his eligibility for popedom. Apparently, Jim was an ordained Catholic priest and cardinal prior to causing a minor schism in the Church and beginning his own sect due to a difference of opinion over the veneration of Judith** and the renaming of the Catholic Church as The People's Front of Judea. Upon establishing his sect, Jim abandoned the naming suggestion and instead established The People's Republic of Jim, adopting the title of Reverend for himself. Jim was never excommunicated, and managed to hold audience with the dying pope to ask forgiveness for his diversions and receive the late pontiff's blessing and endorsement as candidate for the papacy.

Cardinal Jim immediately criticized the prelate for his extreme conservatism, a path that, he claims, might alienate budding dioceses and new converts, and cast the iridescent family of Christ in a much too monochromatic light.

Oddsmakers immediately pounced on the news and, noting Cardinal Jim's Italian/German heritage, gave him 20 to 1 odds, slightly better chances than Francis Cardinal Arinze, a Vatican-based Nigerian.

*an urban development project which will help foster greater economic integration in the Changsha Zhuzhou Xiangtan (CZT) region of Hunan Province, China

**a lesser known character in the time of Jesus; for more information see the 1979 documentary 'Life of Brian'

Posted by The Jim4Pope Foundation

,

2005-04-03T12:15:00.000+08:00

the pope is dead

Marie Has Left The Building

2005-03-03T21:15:00.000+08:00

I was unaware of my denial until a sad and quiet moment on Tuesday when I experienced an epiphany. I was entering my building that evening when, having just stepped across the threshold, I was ripped from the present, now the past, via flashback, into the past, now even further into the past, paster you might say. It resembled an out-of-body experience. My periphery was blurred, for dramatic effect, as I saw myself promenading toward the main doors out into a sun-filled day but stopping short in front of an open door, framed by large moving boxes, that was Marie's suite. Yes it was certainly the past, and yet my memory of the event seems to have been blotted out until this, I mean that, very moment.

Good Lord, did it really happen?! Ah, but the only possible answer, lest I sink deeper into denial, was that Marie had, indeed, moved out of the building. How sad. Marie was a sweet friend, a delicate soul, and a proper lady of the class that I can only dream of aspiring to.

Her voluptuous form shall no longer tease the halls. I shall miss the chance run-ins in the laundry room punctuated by suggestive, but never vulgar, stories of her rendezvous with gentlemen suitors. Yes, Marie was a mature woman, but still exuding charm and, dare I say, sexual appeal that still had the power to fluster men of all ages. She was an enviable leader for the rest of us vicarious ladies that have matured less gracefully. Where she is a red pomegranate sweetened over time to mouth watering anticipation, I am merely an old slut.

I shall miss the reassuring aura pulsating warmly from her former apartment, as if to say 'welcome friend, enter and be at peace for you are safe here under my watch' as I passed.

Today there is an echo in the halls, but hollow and thin. The air is chilled; and, somehow, the building feels less sexy.

Posted by Yvette

Warp Factor 3

2005-02-15T00:39:00.000+08:00

I am not a coffee drinker...there I have said it!

Well, by golly, last week I did indeed enjoy a lovely cup of hot coffee. I observed with each sip that my senses were becoming acutely focused. As with many discoveries, accidents often lead to benefits for human kind. Penecilin comes to mind. I decided to test some theories perculating in my head.

Today, feeling a bit tired at work I decided to drink a lot of coffee, 3 Starbucks tall lattes if you please. I was expecting my work day to fly by in my heightened state of consciousness. Sadly, I forgot one very important fact...The Theory of Relativity.

As I downed my final cup of gold, sure enough, my senses focused. Alas as my very molecules began to vibrate at very close to the speed of light I experienced the all too critical time dilation. I wasn't aware of it as it was happening (I can be a bit self-involved at times), but towards the end of the day as I slipped out of time warp I realized that I had not aged but everything around me had. Instead of making the day seem to pass faster for me, I infact experienced it much slower. The day was a disaster. I am knackered. I feel like I have experienced two days in one.

I am not a relativistic physicist. If there are any out there please correct me if my interpretation was incorrect. If I am wrong then perhaps this day will still have been recoverable after all....oh if only!

Posted by Lt. Starbuck.

Tribute to Valentine's Day

2005-02-14T23:59:00.000+08:00

I would rather have had
One breath of her hair,
One kiss from her mouth,
One touch of her hand,
Than eternity without it. One!

Nicholas Cage referring to Meg Ryan in “City of Angels” (movie)

Ahhh St. Valentine...

Whether you choose to believe Valentine's Day originates from that certain Roman who was martyred for refusing to give up Christianity or not, who can resist the impish charm of a day of sublime love administered at the end of an arrow by a chubby little winged half-naked midget.

If you need any more inspiration here is a lovely song, one of my favorite from the Beatles if not of all time. (It's from the album simply entitled "The Beatles" fondly known as 'The White Album'). Be warned, it is laced with enough love potion to melt the coldest heart and send it dizzying into Valentino's lair itself. I haven't figured out how to attach sound files so we are painfully limited to the lyrics...ah unrequited love...how ironically bittersweet. Here it is...

Why don't we do it in the road
Why don't we do it in the road
Why don't we do it in the road
Why don't we do it in the road
No one will be watching us
Why don't we do it in the road
Why don't we do it in the road
Why don't we do it in the road
Why don't we do it in the road
Why don't we do it in the road
No one will be watching us
Why don't we do it in the road
Why don't we do it in the road
Why don't we do it in the road
Why don't we do it in the road
Why don't we do it in the road
No one will be watching us
Why don't we do it in the road

Damn it, I told myself I wouldn't cry!

Kindly pass the tissue...

Posted by Felicity Lovecraft

Double, Double Toil and Trouble; Fire Burn, and Cauldron Bubble

2005-02-12T14:21:00.000+08:00

For 40 nights my dreams are strangely silent. Then...comes the flood...

I slip quietly into a restful calm and drift into a familiar suspension. Unaware, my guard relaxes, letting my body through into slumber.

The darkness clears. Or does it?! I see a green mist, emollient, shifting, growing ahead of me. And yet the darkness lingers. I drift towards it, not of my own accord. I am pulled. My senses erupt in a sensory overload. Do I see something? I am coming over to the darkness. The force runs strong. I can resist it no longer. I cannot deny my lust her quarry.

I swell. With one glance, my will is spent. I am instantly consumed whole, enchanted and cursed. I feel her heat bathing my body, her sweet scent licking my threshold. Pull me, closer, up, over her lips, I rise, and down, down her hot throat I explode in a confusing orgy of sensations. My skin is spotted red with satiation.

A creamy elixir bubbles before me.

Hominid Chowder, light of my life, fire in my loins. My sin, my soul. Hominid-Chow-Der: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Hominid. Cow. Der.

i have succumbed to the dark side

Damn you Big Hominid….!

…DAMN YOU!!!….

…Damn…damn…

…i…

…I…

…love you Big Hominid…I LOVE YOU!

Posted by Yvette

The Horrors of Substance Abuse

2005-02-12T13:07:00.000+08:00

Say the following phrase 10 times in rapid succession:

"Chicks Tits"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..., there, now it has lost all it's meaning.

...the horrors of substance abuse...

Posted by Yu Bang

A Lovely Christmas Thought

2005-01-01T14:26:00.000+08:00

My faith in humanity has been resurrected, just in time for the holiday season.

I have recently been the witness of utter sublime beauty manifested in a few simple yet wholly disarming words of unselfconscious affection. It is a rare occasion in today's age to participate in such unqualified devotion between two men of an entirely platonic & heterosexual nature, yet completely devoid of phobia.
I was so taken aback by the love and joy infused in that simple Christmas card, of which I speak, that I had to reproduce it here for all to see. The names have been altered to protect the identities of the participants, not from shame, mind you, but for the sake of privacy and out of respect for our relationship.

Yvette,
I want to thank you for having done so much to confirm my low opinion of Canadians. It’s my fervent hope that 2005 will see the utter destruction of your country by various plagues, two-headed frogs, and an immense stampede of satanic goats. America will not be safe until Canada has been reduced to a smoking crater. A crater reeking of goat dung.
Respectfully,
Marie Bonlecher
p.s. Merry Christmas

And to my beautiful friend Marie,
I wish you a very Merry Christmas and a beautiful New Year full of joy and contentment.
Sincerely,
Yvette

Posted by Yvette deCinqfrancamour

Getting In The Spirit With Early Carolling

2004-12-10T23:25:00.000+08:00

Fuck.

...hmmmm...

fuck?!?!

fuck...fuck...

...ahem...

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck.

fuckety fuck fuck
fuckety fuck fuck
look at Frosty go...

Fuckety Fuck Fuck
Fuckety Fuck Fuck
over the hills of snowwww...

fffaaaaahhhhhkkkkkkkk!!!!!

Posted by Timmy Tourrette

Slumber & Wake

2004-11-28T23:48:00.000+08:00

i Sit in the void,
with emptiness,
Haunted by the whispers of
what once breathed

everything and nothing;

IT is disolved;
consumed,
by its own
character,

by the Bitch
that Fucked with it

Posted by Anonymous

An Open Letter From God

2004-11-02T01:34:00.000+08:00

From Him:

It has come to My attention that one among My flock has gone severely astray. Normally I wouldn’t interfere much but this one has betrayed the trust of many of My children. He has become corrupt and has misled millions of those that would follow Me through him. His lips, though once speaking My Holy Scriptures, the Word that has Been since before man when all that there was…was the Word, have become blistered in their service to the evil one. He has cavorted with goats and committed all manner of perverse deliciousness to blacken the hearts of the innocent and the not-so-innocent. He has suckled at the anus of Satan himself. I have decided to make an exception to My prime directive of non-interference by removing his ugliness from the face of the earth.

Sincerely, God.

Then there was silence...

Suddenly the earth shook... thunder clapped from all directions (not unlike a spontaneous but moving standing ovation)...lightning sizzled and ripped the sky open...curtains tore...and...and...every single pigeon on the earth was left constipated.

...and God said, "I SHALL SMITE HIM WITH MY BIG SMITING FINGER…AND SO SHALL HE BE SMOTED. AND IT WILL COme to pass that…ahh…he will have…had…uhnn…been…have smotened."

"…hmm…"

…hewillhavehadbeenhavesmotened…

"Nope, doesn’t help if you say it quickly."

Damn.

"DAMN!!! Now I am really pissed. If you thought the Wrath of Khan was wrathful, feel My WRATH!!!"

p.s. Stop asking Me for My prognostication about the American presidential election. I called Gore in 2000 but look what happened. Beats Me! Go ask Karl Rove!

Posted by God, narrated by Himself.

Wandering Albatross

2004-10-30T02:35:00.000+08:00

He slumped in a large couch framed against the wall length window, embraced by plush royal pillows and the sweat of his riotous labours. The children danced and played. An outdoor vendor stoked his grill sending a cloud of smoke, laden with the smell of bbq pork, billowing into the air trapping it under the neon "Palace Bar" hanging over the long lintel that bathed the quiet street in purple.

A wandering albatross, 7 years sad and beautiful, wandered in from the sea and rode gloriously through the middle kingdom lost.

Heaving and stretching, straining, the beast roared awake from its deep slumber, azure skin pleading to be shed. His denim skin tightened but seemed to float freely over his legs. Beelzebub released. Sweat glistened off his face flickering as the strobe lights spun and pulsed, pounding his body. Empty bottles of Qingdao beer strewn about defeated and still bleeding, the formaldehyde additive searing his blood. He was wounded. The battle was fierce.

Beaten and broken she settled atop soaring monoliths, resting and wept.

A shiny poster of Evander Holyfield raised high on the wall across the darkened room peered down through the dangling curved glasses in the overhead rack of the center bar and smiled approvingly.

His breath was shallow, he was drowning but didn’t know it. The music thumped and throbbed an almost undetectable rhythm, emerging, beating; his heart caressed it and nurtured it and interfered in a chorus of booms…boom…boom…boom. His head was dizzy with bacchanalia.

She attempted to find solace in the wind and asked, "Where will you take me next…toward my flotsam or away?"

A sultry panther paced the room, eyes hanging off her prey. Her hips slowly swayed side to side with every step. She was 17 and it was her night to get drunk.

"Silly bird!" scathed the wind "You are half the age you are and half of what you could be. The end is not as sweet as the start."

It was Sodom and Gomorrah. Women…girls….sheathed in tight dresses clasped on the bar rail as they leaned forward, rumps stuck out, flailing their heads tossing long black shiny hair about in a wild web of lust…this was their dance.

"Can’t you see that I have broken my beak in a storm?! What fish can I catch?What drink may I savour that leaks through the cracks?" "What news shall I return to cutting flak!?".

The waitresses behind the bar smiled chatted served and moved carefully from customer to customer. Conversations were barely audible…it was a game, with turns to be taken, the words were incidental…embraced by the deafening music. Posturing, cocked heads, coy smiles, curves, affectations…lures. Everyone breathed and shared the humid air pregnant with musk, sweat, perfume, and cigarette smoke.

The child wept, "It burns, it burns of searing vitriol!"

The children danced and drank and reveled in their sins. Bodies bumping, brushing, pressing, hot with sweat, hunted and preyed in the dense pit.

The air currents quieted. And with that, she flung her crushed heart out off the human edifice plummeting down through the dead wind, through the void and into the arms of God.

A pot-bellied tourist from Germany, hair graying, disappeared with a hostess into the bathroom. He wooed her through the course of the night buttressed by a family a world away, and as the minutes ticked with every glass he bought she became more and more his trophy.

And while the waitress jacked him off in one of the immaculate stalls a step above the sinks, back in the jungle the panther stalked her prey not 2 metres away. Unbeknownst to her, Jim’s legion of angry inches was poised to do battle. He would not have long to wait before he could bury his mighty lance into the flesh of the enemy and satiate his lust for what would prove to be explosive victory.

Posted by The Omniscient Narrator

Holy Spirit Enters China on a Business Visa

2004-10-23T23:38:00.000+08:00

The office of the Reverend has recently been in email contact with Jim who has remained in China the entire week. The office is confirming that after the bizarre incident last week involving N. Korean asylum seekers Reverend Jim decided to put aside all of his current religious duties and campaigning to negotiate with 2 countries to act as possible intermediaries in facilitating the Koreans' release and healthy assimilation into a third host country.

The Reverend saw it as his immediate duty to assist in the resolution of the matter in such a way as to ensure the safety of the "children of God" while providing a quiet face-saving opportunity for the government of the PRC. A participant in the talks (a representative from one of the nations involved) commented on The Reverend's apparent display of verbal pyrotechnics, "We were all taken aback at Jim's disarming charm, compelling presence, and moving diplomacy. I don't think anyone had any idea that he had it in him." The Reverend modestly explained, "I was possessed by the Holy Spirit. It was He who warmed men's hearts with only me as a simple tool to magnify His glory."

Negotiations came to a successful close late Friday night Eastern Standard time, early Saturday morning Beijing time. After the ordeal, Rev. Jim decided to take the opportunity to remain in China to rest a few additional days while visiting a friend in the southern province of Hunan, believed to be living somewhere between the two cities, Changsha and Zhuzhou.

More news to come on the Reverends return as it becomes available.

Posted by Billy the Altar Boy

Fortune Cookie FUBAR as Jim visits China

2004-10-17T01:44:00.000+08:00

20 North Korean refugees posing as Chinese tourists rushed Reverend Jim two days ago as he was touring Tiennamen Square and claimed political asylum within the Reverend’s 200-mile territorial zone. The would-be refugees argued with police for 2 hours while clinging to Jim. At Jim’s request, China’s police ministry instructed local police officials to keep the group under close surveillance but not to interfere while the matter was discussed in further detail with the UN’s Division for Ocean Affairs and the Law of the Sea.

After 4 hours of heated debates the following corrections and clarifications were made in an officially issued statement:

‘The Republic of Jim is in violation of international law claiming territorial sovereignty over the 200 mile area surrounding Reverend Jim.’

‘The (UNCLOS) UN Convention for the Law of the Sea permits only a 12 nautical mile territorial sea claim (and air space) as sovereignty. The 200 nautical mile claim refers to the Exclusive Economic Zone (EEZ). Controls on mining and fishing are generally the recognized activities that can be controlled in the EEZ. This law does not allow a country to legally claim the 200 nautical mile EEZ as its territorial waters or airspace. Any territory outside the 12 mile territorial waters is classified as international waters and air-space.’

A sorghum farmer in Tianjin (less than 200 miles from Beijing; believed to be a distant cast-off relative of Deng Xiaoping (pronounced Dung Shyao-Ping), former de facto ruler of the PRC (China)), hearing of this news, declared exclusive trade deals with Jim. Farmer Deng Xiao Fang (Dung Small Land, or ‘shitty little farm’ in the familiar vernacular) cited the “unfair allocation and inefficient distribution of government subsidies” as his reasons.

Meanwhile, rumors immediately rose within American government circles that the farmer was in fact motivated by the possibility of forming third party deals with the United States through Jim. When contacted about possible clandestine trades with the Chinese agricultural sector, circumventing the Chinese government, President Bush refused to categorically deny the rumors.

Presidential hopeful John Kerry, sensing an opportunity for political one-upmanship had this to say “This is yet another example of this president not coming clean with the American people about his economic and foreign policies. This fiasco has happened on President Bush’s watch. If I am elected President, as part of my four-point plan, I will have the local Iraqi security forces trained faster so that we can have our boys pulled out of China and back home for Christmas dinner with their families. I have maintained one position, a firm position, and I have never flip-flopped, as this president would have you believe, on this matter ever since our troops entered China last year.”

In response to escalating tensions, Chinese officials have temporarily outlawed all radio, television, and internet broadcasts to prevent any other claims among the estimated 100 million people in the disputed regions around Jim, as well as to prevent a mass migration of the almost 1.3 billion national population. In addition, the defense ministry is investigating confusing claims that over 100,000 US troops are currently fighting insurgents inside China. As a precautionary response to those claims, China has closed its borders with India, Pakistan, Tajikistan, and North Korea in fear of more foreign insurgents or refugees crossing the boarder.

Yesterday, reports started surfacing that the 20 North Koreans, after spending a “lovely” day visiting the sites in and around Beijing, boarded a plane bound for an unspecified intermediate country.

Today, in light of this week’s political and economic developments, Senator Kerry (congnizant of his mastery of the skill) has challenged The President to a fourth debate, suggesting as possible moderators Mr. K. Kim, well known religious pluralist and bon-vivant, for his cunning linguistic skills and legendary prowess with the French tongue; or 2003 Playboy playmate of the year Christina Santiago for her commitment to world peace.

Mr. Kerry was quoted in an off-the-cuff remark about his choices, “Holy f%#k I blew my load just looking [at Ms. Santiago]”– editor’s addition. “I sure would like to whip out the old Heinz bottle and dollop some of big red on that spread”, he snickered.

President Bush immediately responded to Mr. Kerry’s challenge saying, “I don’t need to debate what to do, I don’t need to think about it, thinking ain’t my style. I am a man of action so I have decided to circumvent congress and commit an additional 50,000 marines and special forces to the effort. And I plan on asking additional commitments from our strong coalition of the willing.”

Polish President Aleksander Kwasniewski, who slammed Mr. Kerry earlier this month for his denigration of the coalition members’ sacrifices, attempted to make up for his remarks earlier this year about his discomfort “due to the fact that we were misled with the information on weapons of mass destruction”. The Polish head of state confirmed Mr. Bush’s suggestion of the need for a firming-up of alliances and promised to send a polish sausage to each additional American soldier sent over and a prostitute for his division.

Poland’s new contribution was received with mixed signals. Although generally lauded within American military circles, Kwasnieswki’s popularity according to insta-poles fell through the floor.

Prostitution and elicit affairs in Eastern Europe suddenly plummeted following the comments.

Posted by The Reverend's former long-time companion and current assistant Deacon Virginia L. Dish.

Mucus Free and Fighting Terror

2004-10-12T23:19:00.000+08:00

After a month's mysterious absence from the blog trail, the Reverend has been located in the United States apparently campaigning for the incumbent, Dubya, in the coming American election scheduled for November 2. When cornered and asked about his activities for the past month, his medical treatments, and his current commitments The Reverend had this to say, "I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to my worldwide congregation for being pulled away, however necessary, from my normally prolific publishing of encyclicals and pronouncements; and other ecumenical duties. I would like to proclaim myself healthy and free of uteral mucus. My doctors informed me that the plug was successfully removed from my brain stem without damage to the stem and only minor effects to the other areas of my brain." See attached official medical assessment.*

"I am feeling better than ever", he offered.

"Regarding my association with the Republican party and President Dubya...quite frankly, I realized after my life threatening recovery, that they are my kind of folks who share my values and I have been given a new lease on life that should be spent doing more to help people. In this new world of terror, with Dubya as leader, I believe in a strong deterrence through pre-emptive strikes to fight and kill terrorists wherever they may be. Let's face it, everyone wants freedom just like everyone wants salvation, and I am here to help them get it, people like them Iraqis and any other infidels held hostage by terror including, of course, Americans and especially members of my own nation, The Republic of Jim."

Asked about the American President's condoning of the use of all weapons in his military's arsenal including Nukes The Reverend responded by saying that Dubya's missiles "...they don't kill, they spread freedom to all and save the souls of them heretics...".

The Reverend will take some time away from his busy Republican schedule to make a brief visit to China to Chinese President Hu Jintao to offer support and advice regarding the ruling communist party's decision to censor and cleanse the internet in China of pornography. See attached article from the Associated Press.**

"I have spent endless man-hours personally researching the internet pornography phenomenon through numerous visits to various Asian sex sites and I can honestly say that I am committed to it, it's abolition, I mean, from the public's view and relegation to only the proper authorities who are trained to keep an eye on such matters such as myself and others. I will be doing first hand interviews with victims of sexual imperialism through the net, ladies aged 17-221/2 especially, to get their opinions. This internet porn is just another form of terrorism, terror against the freedoms enjoyed in China."

"The Reverend is back and kicking" he interjected "with all services previously offered through the House of Jim back on the table, yup, if you want a one way ticket to heaven I can get you there, guaranteed. That's my commitment to you, to get you all one step closer to God or die trying."

Reverend Jim also has scheduled trips to Thailand, Japan, and The Netherlands.

* A prepared statement from his doctors had this to add, '...there necessitated, however, the removal of portions of Jim's frontal lobe, parietal lobe, and temporal lobe. As a result he has been warned that there may be resulting partial impairment of the functions associated with these areas of the brain, including short-term memory, comprehension of spoken and written language, sense of direction and recognition of familiar places, planning, organizing, problem solving, selective attention, personality and a variety of "higher cognitive functions" including behavior and emotions. There was an unexpected trade-off in that apparently the stem has attempted to compensate for the lost cranial matter and cognitive functions by heightening some very specific functions including arousal and compulsive behaviour.'

"In a nutshell", doctors say, " Jim's capacity for sexual stimulation and deviance, and susceptibility to suggestion, addiction, fits of undirected rage, disorientation, and confusion have increased ten-fold."

In a possibly related note, doctors observed Jim's semen production increase to as much as one litre with a projectile displacement range of three metres in a forward radial spray. Doctor Lee, Oh-Heon was admitted to hospital diagnosed with serious head trauma caused by a powerful concussive force in a research accident while examining Rev. Jim.

**China Offers Rewards for Reporting Porn

By Associated Press

October 11, 2004, 8:32 PM EDT

BEIJING -- China's police ministry on Sunday handed out rewards of up to $240 to people who reported pornographic Web sites in a campaign to stamp out online smut, the government said.

Some 445 people have been arrested and 1,125 Web sites shut down with the help of public tips since July, the official Xinhua News Agency reported, citing the Ministry of Public Security.

The ministry handed out rewards of $60 to $240, Xinhua said, but it didn't say how many people received them.

China encourages Internet use for education and business but bans sexually oriented content on its own Web sites and tries to block access to foreign sites deemed pornographic or subversive.

The online crackdown is part of a sweeping official morality campaign launched this year on orders from communist leaders.

Television stations, video game makers and other suppliers of popular culture have been ordered to reduce or eliminate violent or sexually oriented content.

Copyright 2004, The Associated Press

Update by The Reverend's former long-time companion and current assistant, Deacon Virginia L. Dish.

Blog Inauguration Event Marred by Spontaneous Uterization Accident...

2004-09-04T23:00:00.000+08:00

Last week I experienced spontaneous uterization (the spontaneous formation of a fully functioning uterus in the 3rd trimester). Unfortunately, in a freak napping accident my mucus plug was dislodged; it subsequently travelled upward along a river of spinal fluid wrapping itself around my brain stem. As a result, communication in any form longer than a paragraph is not possible. More to come after the mucus plug has been cleared. In the meantime, I would like to add that I have nothing to add.

n.b. All times and dates are in the Local Salvation Time Zone (LST: LST is a fluid time zone encompassing a 200 mile radius around The Reverend in accordance with international maritime laws; the area immediately surrounding Reverend Jim is known by it's conventional long form as The People's Democratic Republic of Jim (not recognized by the following countries: Israel, China, and The Republic of Malawi); salvation is available on a sliding scale wherever Jim can be found conscious. Consult your embassy for visa entry restrictions; visa not required for every $10million (US) investment; citizens of Canada are permitted to stay for 6 months without a visa but are not permitted to work.)