Fortune Cookie FUBAR as Jim visits China

20 North Korean refugees posing as Chinese tourists rushed Reverend Jim two days ago as he was touring Tiennamen Square and claimed political asylum within the Reverend’s 200-mile territorial zone. The would-be refugees argued with police for 2 hours while clinging to Jim. At Jim’s request, China’s police ministry instructed local police officials to keep the group under close surveillance but not to interfere while the matter was discussed in further detail with the UN’s Division for Ocean Affairs and the Law of the Sea.

After 4 hours of heated debates the following corrections and clarifications were made in an officially issued statement:

‘The Republic of Jim is in violation of international law claiming territorial sovereignty over the 200 mile area surrounding Reverend Jim.’

‘The (UNCLOS) UN Convention for the Law of the Sea permits only a 12 nautical mile territorial sea claim (and air space) as sovereignty. The 200 nautical mile claim refers to the Exclusive Economic Zone (EEZ). Controls on mining and fishing are generally the recognized activities that can be controlled in the EEZ. This law does not allow a country to legally claim the 200 nautical mile EEZ as its territorial waters or airspace. Any territory outside the 12 mile territorial waters is classified as international waters and air-space.’

A sorghum farmer in Tianjin (less than 200 miles from Beijing; believed to be a distant cast-off relative of Deng Xiaoping (pronounced Dung Shyao-Ping), former de facto ruler of the PRC (China)), hearing of this news, declared exclusive trade deals with Jim. Farmer Deng Xiao Fang (Dung Small Land, or ‘shitty little farm’ in the familiar vernacular) cited the “unfair allocation and inefficient distribution of government subsidies” as his reasons.

Meanwhile, rumors immediately rose within American government circles that the farmer was in fact motivated by the possibility of forming third party deals with the United States through Jim. When contacted about possible clandestine trades with the Chinese agricultural sector, circumventing the Chinese government, President Bush refused to categorically deny the rumors.

Presidential hopeful John Kerry, sensing an opportunity for political one-upmanship had this to say “This is yet another example of this president not coming clean with the American people about his economic and foreign policies. This fiasco has happened on President Bush’s watch. If I am elected President, as part of my four-point plan, I will have the local Iraqi security forces trained faster so that we can have our boys pulled out of China and back home for Christmas dinner with their families. I have maintained one position, a firm position, and I have never flip-flopped, as this president would have you believe, on this matter ever since our troops entered China last year.”

In response to escalating tensions, Chinese officials have temporarily outlawed all radio, television, and internet broadcasts to prevent any other claims among the estimated 100 million people in the disputed regions around Jim, as well as to prevent a mass migration of the almost 1.3 billion national population. In addition, the defense ministry is investigating confusing claims that over 100,000 US troops are currently fighting insurgents inside China. As a precautionary response to those claims, China has closed its borders with India, Pakistan, Tajikistan, and North Korea in fear of more foreign insurgents or refugees crossing the boarder.

Yesterday, reports started surfacing that the 20 North Koreans, after spending a “lovely” day visiting the sites in and around Beijing, boarded a plane bound for an unspecified intermediate country.

Today, in light of this week’s political and economic developments, Senator Kerry (congnizant of his mastery of the skill) has challenged The President to a fourth debate, suggesting as possible moderators Mr. K. Kim, well known religious pluralist and bon-vivant, for his cunning linguistic skills and legendary prowess with the French tongue; or 2003 Playboy playmate of the year Christina Santiago for her commitment to world peace.

Mr. Kerry was quoted in an off-the-cuff remark about his choices, “Holy f%#k I blew my load just looking [at Ms. Santiago]”– editor’s addition. “I sure would like to whip out the old Heinz bottle and dollop some of big red on that spread”, he snickered.

President Bush immediately responded to Mr. Kerry’s challenge saying, “I don’t need to debate what to do, I don’t need to think about it, thinking ain’t my style. I am a man of action so I have decided to circumvent congress and commit an additional 50,000 marines and special forces to the effort. And I plan on asking additional commitments from our strong coalition of the willing.”

Polish President Aleksander Kwasniewski, who slammed Mr. Kerry earlier this month for his denigration of the coalition members’ sacrifices, attempted to make up for his remarks earlier this year about his discomfort “due to the fact that we were misled with the information on weapons of mass destruction”. The Polish head of state confirmed Mr. Bush’s suggestion of the need for a firming-up of alliances and promised to send a polish sausage to each additional American soldier sent over and a prostitute for his division.

Poland’s new contribution was received with mixed signals. Although generally lauded within American military circles, Kwasnieswki’s popularity according to insta-poles fell through the floor.

Prostitution and elicit affairs in Eastern Europe suddenly plummeted following the comments.

Posted by The Reverend's former long-time companion and current assistant Deacon Virginia L. Dish.