Conclave Waiting for White Smoke

Barely two days into conclave, and already a holy knuckle ball has been thrown into the dirt raking deep furrows in the brows of the cardinals assembled in Rome. This isn't the first time that the oddsmakers in Las Romas have had hissy fits and been left red faced over their prognostications.

What was nearly brushed under the papal headlines as yet another Easter survival story has emerged as a runaway train, destination: Rome, with the future of the Catholic Church in the balance.

Nearly three weeks ago on March 27, Easter Sunday and only days before the death of John Paul II, unbeknownst to the free world, something crawled out of the dust of the Changsha-Zhuzhou-Xiangtan urban sustainability planning triad*, about to "spring forth from the rich red earth of our people's bosom" or "Lazarus leap" depending on the headline.

None other than the formerly late Reverend Jim of the principality by the same name, appeared alive and well. The Reverend has undergone somewhat of a transformation, spiritually and physically, for out of the Chinese dust not quite phoenix-like waddled only lips and anus, fused together in a thinking, speaking, and fully opposable, remnant-of-a-man. The now 3 inch tall Jim has apparently come to terms with his past and accepted his divine punishment with a stiff upper lip.

After being discovered and nursed back to a healthy set of lips and sphincter, Jim mysteriously went into seclusion and had not been heard from again until early this week.

On Monday the College of Cardinals attended a Mass presided by German Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, seen as a favorite to become the next pope, in St. Peter's Basilica in the Vatican. In a forceful defense of Catholic doctrine, Cardinal Ratzinger condemned "the dictatorship of relativism" saying that it "recognizes nothing definitive and it's final measure is no more than ego and desire." The Cardinal called for a solemn prayer for guidance in electing a successor to the recently departed pontiff; appearing tired and tense he cocked his head in a dramatic pose skyward and was reported to have been overheard whispering 'pick me! pick me! pick me!'

During Ratzinger's prayer, only moments after the homily, Jim burst in and scuttled to the altar to announce his eligibility for popedom. Apparently, Jim was an ordained Catholic priest and cardinal prior to causing a minor schism in the Church and beginning his own sect due to a difference of opinion over the veneration of Judith** and the renaming of the Catholic Church as The People's Front of Judea. Upon establishing his sect, Jim abandoned the naming suggestion and instead established The People's Republic of Jim, adopting the title of Reverend for himself. Jim was never excommunicated, and managed to hold audience with the dying pope to ask forgiveness for his diversions and receive the late pontiff's blessing and endorsement as candidate for the papacy.

Cardinal Jim immediately criticized the prelate for his extreme conservatism, a path that, he claims, might alienate budding dioceses and new converts, and cast the iridescent family of Christ in a much too monochromatic light.

Oddsmakers immediately pounced on the news and, noting Cardinal Jim's Italian/German heritage, gave him 20 to 1 odds, slightly better chances than Francis Cardinal Arinze, a Vatican-based Nigerian.



*an urban development project which will help foster greater economic integration in the Changsha Zhuzhou Xiangtan (CZT) region of Hunan Province, China

**a lesser known character in the time of Jesus; for more information see the 1979 documentary 'Life of Brian'

Posted by The Jim4Pope Foundation