Wandering Albatross

He slumped in a large couch framed against the wall length window, embraced by plush royal pillows and the sweat of his riotous labours. The children danced and played. An outdoor vendor stoked his grill sending a cloud of smoke, laden with the smell of bbq pork, billowing into the air trapping it under the neon "Palace Bar" hanging over the long lintel that bathed the quiet street in purple.

A wandering albatross, 7 years sad and beautiful, wandered in from the sea and rode gloriously through the middle kingdom lost.

Heaving and stretching, straining, the beast roared awake from its deep slumber, azure skin pleading to be shed. His denim skin tightened but seemed to float freely over his legs. Beelzebub released. Sweat glistened off his face flickering as the strobe lights spun and pulsed, pounding his body. Empty bottles of Qingdao beer strewn about defeated and still bleeding, the formaldehyde additive searing his blood. He was wounded. The battle was fierce.

Beaten and broken she settled atop soaring monoliths, resting and wept.

A shiny poster of Evander Holyfield raised high on the wall across the darkened room peered down through the dangling curved glasses in the overhead rack of the center bar and smiled approvingly.

His breath was shallow, he was drowning but didn’t know it. The music thumped and throbbed an almost undetectable rhythm, emerging, beating; his heart caressed it and nurtured it and interfered in a chorus of booms…boom…boom…boom. His head was dizzy with bacchanalia.

She attempted to find solace in the wind and asked, "Where will you take me next…toward my flotsam or away?"

A sultry panther paced the room, eyes hanging off her prey. Her hips slowly swayed side to side with every step. She was 17 and it was her night to get drunk.

"Silly bird!" scathed the wind "You are half the age you are and half of what you could be. The end is not as sweet as the start."

It was Sodom and Gomorrah. Women…girls….sheathed in tight dresses clasped on the bar rail as they leaned forward, rumps stuck out, flailing their heads tossing long black shiny hair about in a wild web of lust…this was their dance.

"Can’t you see that I have broken my beak in a storm?! What fish can I catch?What drink may I savour that leaks through the cracks?" "What news shall I return to cutting flak!?".

The waitresses behind the bar smiled chatted served and moved carefully from customer to customer. Conversations were barely audible…it was a game, with turns to be taken, the words were incidental…embraced by the deafening music. Posturing, cocked heads, coy smiles, curves, affectations…lures. Everyone breathed and shared the humid air pregnant with musk, sweat, perfume, and cigarette smoke.

The child wept, "It burns, it burns of searing vitriol!"

The children danced and drank and reveled in their sins. Bodies bumping, brushing, pressing, hot with sweat, hunted and preyed in the dense pit.

The air currents quieted. And with that, she flung her crushed heart out off the human edifice plummeting down through the dead wind, through the void and into the arms of God.

A pot-bellied tourist from Germany, hair graying, disappeared with a hostess into the bathroom. He wooed her through the course of the night buttressed by a family a world away, and as the minutes ticked with every glass he bought she became more and more his trophy.

And while the waitress jacked him off in one of the immaculate stalls a step above the sinks, back in the jungle the panther stalked her prey not 2 metres away. Unbeknownst to her, Jim’s legion of angry inches was poised to do battle. He would not have long to wait before he could bury his mighty lance into the flesh of the enemy and satiate his lust for what would prove to be explosive victory.


Posted by The Omniscient Narrator

Holy Spirit Enters China on a Business Visa

The office of the Reverend has recently been in email contact with Jim who has remained in China the entire week. The office is confirming that after the bizarre incident last week involving N. Korean asylum seekers Reverend Jim decided to put aside all of his current religious duties and campaigning to negotiate with 2 countries to act as possible intermediaries in facilitating the Koreans' release and healthy assimilation into a third host country.

The Reverend saw it as his immediate duty to assist in the resolution of the matter in such a way as to ensure the safety of the "children of God" while providing a quiet face-saving opportunity for the government of the PRC. A participant in the talks (a representative from one of the nations involved) commented on The Reverend's apparent display of verbal pyrotechnics, "We were all taken aback at Jim's disarming charm, compelling presence, and moving diplomacy. I don't think anyone had any idea that he had it in him." The Reverend modestly explained, "I was possessed by the Holy Spirit. It was He who warmed men's hearts with only me as a simple tool to magnify His glory."

Negotiations came to a successful close late Friday night Eastern Standard time, early Saturday morning Beijing time. After the ordeal, Rev. Jim decided to take the opportunity to remain in China to rest a few additional days while visiting a friend in the southern province of Hunan, believed to be living somewhere between the two cities, Changsha and Zhuzhou.

More news to come on the Reverends return as it becomes available.

Posted by Billy the Altar Boy

Fortune Cookie FUBAR as Jim visits China

20 North Korean refugees posing as Chinese tourists rushed Reverend Jim two days ago as he was touring Tiennamen Square and claimed political asylum within the Reverend’s 200-mile territorial zone. The would-be refugees argued with police for 2 hours while clinging to Jim. At Jim’s request, China’s police ministry instructed local police officials to keep the group under close surveillance but not to interfere while the matter was discussed in further detail with the UN’s Division for Ocean Affairs and the Law of the Sea.

After 4 hours of heated debates the following corrections and clarifications were made in an officially issued statement:

‘The Republic of Jim is in violation of international law claiming territorial sovereignty over the 200 mile area surrounding Reverend Jim.’

‘The (UNCLOS) UN Convention for the Law of the Sea permits only a 12 nautical mile territorial sea claim (and air space) as sovereignty. The 200 nautical mile claim refers to the Exclusive Economic Zone (EEZ). Controls on mining and fishing are generally the recognized activities that can be controlled in the EEZ. This law does not allow a country to legally claim the 200 nautical mile EEZ as its territorial waters or airspace. Any territory outside the 12 mile territorial waters is classified as international waters and air-space.’

A sorghum farmer in Tianjin (less than 200 miles from Beijing; believed to be a distant cast-off relative of Deng Xiaoping (pronounced Dung Shyao-Ping), former de facto ruler of the PRC (China)), hearing of this news, declared exclusive trade deals with Jim. Farmer Deng Xiao Fang (Dung Small Land, or ‘shitty little farm’ in the familiar vernacular) cited the “unfair allocation and inefficient distribution of government subsidies” as his reasons.

Meanwhile, rumors immediately rose within American government circles that the farmer was in fact motivated by the possibility of forming third party deals with the United States through Jim. When contacted about possible clandestine trades with the Chinese agricultural sector, circumventing the Chinese government, President Bush refused to categorically deny the rumors.

Presidential hopeful John Kerry, sensing an opportunity for political one-upmanship had this to say “This is yet another example of this president not coming clean with the American people about his economic and foreign policies. This fiasco has happened on President Bush’s watch. If I am elected President, as part of my four-point plan, I will have the local Iraqi security forces trained faster so that we can have our boys pulled out of China and back home for Christmas dinner with their families. I have maintained one position, a firm position, and I have never flip-flopped, as this president would have you believe, on this matter ever since our troops entered China last year.”

In response to escalating tensions, Chinese officials have temporarily outlawed all radio, television, and internet broadcasts to prevent any other claims among the estimated 100 million people in the disputed regions around Jim, as well as to prevent a mass migration of the almost 1.3 billion national population. In addition, the defense ministry is investigating confusing claims that over 100,000 US troops are currently fighting insurgents inside China. As a precautionary response to those claims, China has closed its borders with India, Pakistan, Tajikistan, and North Korea in fear of more foreign insurgents or refugees crossing the boarder.

Yesterday, reports started surfacing that the 20 North Koreans, after spending a “lovely” day visiting the sites in and around Beijing, boarded a plane bound for an unspecified intermediate country.

Today, in light of this week’s political and economic developments, Senator Kerry (congnizant of his mastery of the skill) has challenged The President to a fourth debate, suggesting as possible moderators Mr. K. Kim, well known religious pluralist and bon-vivant, for his cunning linguistic skills and legendary prowess with the French tongue; or 2003 Playboy playmate of the year Christina Santiago for her commitment to world peace.

Mr. Kerry was quoted in an off-the-cuff remark about his choices, “Holy f%#k I blew my load just looking [at Ms. Santiago]”– editor’s addition. “I sure would like to whip out the old Heinz bottle and dollop some of big red on that spread”, he snickered.

President Bush immediately responded to Mr. Kerry’s challenge saying, “I don’t need to debate what to do, I don’t need to think about it, thinking ain’t my style. I am a man of action so I have decided to circumvent congress and commit an additional 50,000 marines and special forces to the effort. And I plan on asking additional commitments from our strong coalition of the willing.”

Polish President Aleksander Kwasniewski, who slammed Mr. Kerry earlier this month for his denigration of the coalition members’ sacrifices, attempted to make up for his remarks earlier this year about his discomfort “due to the fact that we were misled with the information on weapons of mass destruction”. The Polish head of state confirmed Mr. Bush’s suggestion of the need for a firming-up of alliances and promised to send a polish sausage to each additional American soldier sent over and a prostitute for his division.

Poland’s new contribution was received with mixed signals. Although generally lauded within American military circles, Kwasnieswki’s popularity according to insta-poles fell through the floor.

Prostitution and elicit affairs in Eastern Europe suddenly plummeted following the comments.

Posted by The Reverend's former long-time companion and current assistant Deacon Virginia L. Dish.

Mucus Free and Fighting Terror

After a month's mysterious absence from the blog trail, the Reverend has been located in the United States apparently campaigning for the incumbent, Dubya, in the coming American election scheduled for November 2. When cornered and asked about his activities for the past month, his medical treatments, and his current commitments The Reverend had this to say, "I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to my worldwide congregation for being pulled away, however necessary, from my normally prolific publishing of encyclicals and pronouncements; and other ecumenical duties. I would like to proclaim myself healthy and free of uteral mucus. My doctors informed me that the plug was successfully removed from my brain stem without damage to the stem and only minor effects to the other areas of my brain." See attached official medical assessment.*

"I am feeling better than ever", he offered.

"Regarding my association with the Republican party and President Dubya...quite frankly, I realized after my life threatening recovery, that they are my kind of folks who share my values and I have been given a new lease on life that should be spent doing more to help people. In this new world of terror, with Dubya as leader, I believe in a strong deterrence through pre-emptive strikes to fight and kill terrorists wherever they may be. Let's face it, everyone wants freedom just like everyone wants salvation, and I am here to help them get it, people like them Iraqis and any other infidels held hostage by terror including, of course, Americans and especially members of my own nation, The Republic of Jim."

Asked about the American President's condoning of the use of all weapons in his military's arsenal including Nukes The Reverend responded by saying that Dubya's missiles "...they don't kill, they spread freedom to all and save the souls of them heretics...".

The Reverend will take some time away from his busy Republican schedule to make a brief visit to China to Chinese President Hu Jintao to offer support and advice regarding the ruling communist party's decision to censor and cleanse the internet in China of pornography. See attached article from the Associated Press.**

"I have spent endless man-hours personally researching the internet pornography phenomenon through numerous visits to various Asian sex sites and I can honestly say that I am committed to it, it's abolition, I mean, from the public's view and relegation to only the proper authorities who are trained to keep an eye on such matters such as myself and others. I will be doing first hand interviews with victims of sexual imperialism through the net, ladies aged 17-221/2 especially, to get their opinions. This internet porn is just another form of terrorism, terror against the freedoms enjoyed in China."

"The Reverend is back and kicking" he interjected "with all services previously offered through the House of Jim back on the table, yup, if you want a one way ticket to heaven I can get you there, guaranteed. That's my commitment to you, to get you all one step closer to God or die trying."

Reverend Jim also has scheduled trips to Thailand, Japan, and The Netherlands.


* A prepared statement from his doctors had this to add, '...there necessitated, however, the removal of portions of Jim's frontal lobe, parietal lobe, and temporal lobe. As a result he has been warned that there may be resulting partial impairment of the functions associated with these areas of the brain, including short-term memory, comprehension of spoken and written language, sense of direction and recognition of familiar places, planning, organizing, problem solving, selective attention, personality and a variety of "higher cognitive functions" including behavior and emotions. There was an unexpected trade-off in that apparently the stem has attempted to compensate for the lost cranial matter and cognitive functions by heightening some very specific functions including arousal and compulsive behaviour.'

"In a nutshell", doctors say, " Jim's capacity for sexual stimulation and deviance, and susceptibility to suggestion, addiction, fits of undirected rage, disorientation, and confusion have increased ten-fold."

In a possibly related note, doctors observed Jim's semen production increase to as much as one litre with a projectile displacement range of three metres in a forward radial spray. Doctor Lee, Oh-Heon was admitted to hospital diagnosed with serious head trauma caused by a powerful concussive force in a research accident while examining Rev. Jim.

**China Offers Rewards for Reporting Porn

By Associated Press

October 11, 2004, 8:32 PM EDT

BEIJING -- China's police ministry on Sunday handed out rewards of up to $240 to people who reported pornographic Web sites in a campaign to stamp out online smut, the government said.

Some 445 people have been arrested and 1,125 Web sites shut down with the help of public tips since July, the official Xinhua News Agency reported, citing the Ministry of Public Security.

The ministry handed out rewards of $60 to $240, Xinhua said, but it didn't say how many people received them.

China encourages Internet use for education and business but bans sexually oriented content on its own Web sites and tries to block access to foreign sites deemed pornographic or subversive.

The online crackdown is part of a sweeping official morality campaign launched this year on orders from communist leaders.

Television stations, video game makers and other suppliers of popular culture have been ordered to reduce or eliminate violent or sexually oriented content.

Copyright 2004, The Associated Press

Update by The Reverend's former long-time companion and current assistant, Deacon Virginia L. Dish.